The quiet of Tuesday

On Tuesdays, I am alone. Matt works late and I purposely choose to keep my Tuesdays empty. I rarely answer my phone and the kids and I hunker down in the quiet. Tuesdays call for quiet in my opinion.

For our family, Wednesday is typically the busiest day of the week, with Thursday following shortly behind. Tuesday has become my fortress. We read and create and play. I skip the laundry and don’t cook. Tuesday is for me.

I rearranged the dining room this afternoon. It’s summer and I want to face the yard while I sew. There are baby quilts to be made and Christmas gifts to begin. I know. It’s June. But when the Fall comes and I start school up again in full force, I won’t have the time to sit and sew for hours. I learned that lesson last year as I frantically scrambled to finish those last few stitches. 

This morning, I overheard Liam telling Matt that on Tuesday, we do nothing. Maybe nothing compared to other families, but our nothing today involved hours of imaginative play, the creation of a 3-d art project for my grandmother, Liam choosing books all on his own to read to us at bedtime, and my trimming the tree out front so I can see the wren box from my desk.

Tuesday is my ordinary day. As Emily Freeman says, “Tuesday gives me permission to be unremarkable.” I appreciate the ordinary. I appreciate this permission to just exist and celebrate that simple fact. For in this world where I feel the constant pressure to improve and achieve and do more, Tuesday brings comfort in the settled quiet.

Wednesday has enough for three days of activity, but for tonight, I shall curl up on my couch, watching Anne of Avonlea and sewing. Tuesdays are ordinary and Tuesdays are for me.

Graduation

My youngest brother graduated from high school on Sunday. And that morning I just couldn’t grasp the passage of time. He’s been a part of our lives for almost 17 years and yet it seems like yesterday he toddled in through our door for the very first time.

Because I’m so much older than him and having the advantage of being the sibling and not the parent, I’ve gotten to cherish his life for him and not experience the hardships like one responsible for the outcome of his development. Toddlers are hard. Elementary aged children are begging for balance between still wanting to curl up with their lovey and keep up with their peers. Preteens are dramatic. Teenagers are moody and hormonal. And if you can only focus on these hallmarks of development, it becomes difficult to cherish the moments.

Of all the advice I got prior to having children, I wish that had more prominent. I wish more people had been willing to acknowledge how difficult life is and yet how much beauty can be found in the midst of the hard. Instead, I was given endless commentaries on diapers and feeding and discipline, but no one really told me that I’d never get any of those moments back.

Watching him walk across the stage and get that diploma was one of the most special moments of my life. I wished I could have frozen that moment for a while and just soaked it up. I’m not sad the moment is over, I’m just realizing even more so how quickly life passes by.

I’m so grateful for the moments I get to experience… and my thoughts turned to his birth mother. I wished I could have shared this with her. I wish I could have told her how wonderfully he turned out. How handsome he is. I wished she could have seen his soccer accomplishments. Of course I wish these moments for the mother he and I share, but she got to see so much in the years she was alive. Birth mama only got him for 8 days. And I wonder if in those 8 days, she was able to soak up enough of him?

I came home and hugged my own babies a little tighter. The moments will pass quickly between now and the day when each one walks across the graduation stage. Until then, I plan to soak in as much as I can of not only my babies, but my brother. I can’t wait to watch their lives unfold!

On Detoxing from the Quick Yes

In the last week, I’ve been on a sugar detox. Dietary changes were needed, and by default, 90% of my sugar intake for the day was also cut. Detox is not fun. I have had all sorts of symptoms and drama stemming from this change. Nausea, shaking, irritability… I was actually embarrassed to realize how dedicated to sugar by body had become!

It’s been a week now and I feel much better overall. I’m feeling like the changes that were made are actually going to benefit my life and not just leave me a miserable shell of my hungry self. So, you know, little victories. In this week (because one challenge wasn’t enough apparently) I’ve also taken the time to begin detoxing from busy.

You know what I mean, the attitude of “Well, if I’m going to be here, I may as well be involved.” The attitude that tells you if you aren’t participating, you’re lazy. And entitled. And selfish. This attitude is soon accompanied by her sister, Guilt. She reminds you repeatedly of all the times you’ve failed your children, friends, family, etc. in the name of healthy boundaries.

And when that happens, I almost always fold. I give up on the detox and go right back to where I was. Miserable and tired and on the verge of resentment. You’d think that after years of starting and stopping this trend, I’d learn not to give up so quickly, but nope. Before 7am today, I received an email asking me for info I did not have. Usually, I’d email the correct person, wait for the response (which I wouldn’t get quickly), forward the response to the original person and play email ping pong for another series of questions and answers before getting frustrated with the situation I created and wind up stressed out.

This morning, I typed out a response saying I’d find out the information for this family before my eye caught sight of the book A Circle of Quiet. I just stopped mid-type and looked at the book. In that moment, I realized that instead of protecting the quiet I’ve been working to cultivate, I’d be ripping a big old hole in the circle! I deleted my email, forwarded on the appropriate person’s info and wished the family a lovely summer. Done and Done.

I mean. Can we just talk about this for a minute? We laud busy. We say with awe in our voices that we cannot understand how She-Who-Does-It-All does it all and still has great hair. But we don’t stop for a moment to consider that perhaps she, too, is standing on the verge of a Quick Yes Detox. We tell her we can’t imagine how she does it all as we pile another task on her plate. And when she says she can’t, we act like she just shot a puppy.

What can we do? I don’t know. I don’t know beyond practicing a Slow Response. I only know that I need to take a step back and think before I commit. Changes take time… the Quick Yes is more than a habit, it’s a lifestyle for many of us, so we cannot rely on our change to take hold within that neat 21 day period. And while we are practicing a season of Slow Response, we need to practice extending grace to not only ourselves, but those around us.

Every person you meet is in the midst of a detox. It may not be the same as yours, but they still require your grace. Just as you need someone to respect your boundaries, the mom with the perfect hair is crying out for the same. So while detox makes us all a little cranky, grace can soothe that beast. Maybe not quite as well as a bowl of ice cream, but in case you’re detoxing from Eating Your Feelings, I’ll suggest grace instead.

**There are affiliate links for the book embedded in my post. Any earnings from these links simply continue to fund my reading habits!**

Because Summer Reading is Upon Us!

I sat down with my school planner this morning and calculated the completion of Kindergarten (and by default, my first year as an official homeschool Mama). Two more weeks people, two. more. weeks. Granted, I have a few field trips planned in those two weeks, but still, the end is near!!!

With the end of school, the beginning of patio-sitting-while-the-kids-play season. I sit there, sometimes in the sun and sometimes in the shade. I don’t often get to read too much in one sitting because people do actually still need me. Maybe not for snacks or potty breaks, but they do need someone to ooh and ahh over their latest sand creation.

This summer will find me reading a variety of books. Some because the list I keep is getting so long, I’m running out of room, and some because I finally figured out how to borrow ebooks from the library.

A Million Little Ways: Uncover the Art You Were Made to Live - I’m almost done with this book, but it’s a borrowed book and this reading will be my second. I like it enough that I am seriously considering purchasing it just so I can read it again and this time highlight everything that has stood out so boldly to me.

Savor: Living Abundantly Where You Are, As You Are - I’m going to the Women of Faith Conference in a few hours and Shauna is one of the speakers. I’m excited to hear her speak and read more of her work… so far, Savor is a winner. And any book that comes with a gorgeous bound cover and ribbon bookmark gets bonus points from me!

The Blessed Woman: Learning About Grace from the Women of the Bible
- This is a library book, so I need to read faster. :) But it should be mentioned that already what I have read has been beneficial. Especially on Tuesday. Usually, I stagger from my bed, fire up the keurig and open up my She Reads Truth app. Tuesday, it would not work. It didn’t work on any of the three devices I tried. So I decided to read this book. The very first chapter spoke to me where I was, easing my heart… I was scheduled to speak that morning at MOPS and was really overcome with self-doubt and wondering why on Earth I had agreed to speak in the first place. If anyone was unqualified, I felt I should have the top score. And yet, as I read the first chapter, again and I again, I felt it whispered to my heart that I was right where He wanted me.

Anne of Green Gables, Complete 8-Book Box Set - I haven’t read these books since I was pregnant with Sylvia. Following the death of Jonathan Crombie last month, I just needed to reconnect. I watched the first two movies yesterday (yay cold and dreary day!) and decided that I need to read through the entire series again. Also, I discovered that there is yet one more book written by Montgomery, The Blythes Are Quoted, but I am holding off until I re-read their entire story before I explore this last edition.

If I finish these books before I need to begin buckling down for the school year and all the planning that brings, there are several books on this list that I’d like to check out. But if I don’t, there’s always the dead of winter when I don’t want to be creative or busy or much of anything but a sponge. Those days are the ones where in contrast to the summer heat, I just want to curl up with tea and a quilt and read. I don’t know about you, but for me, book will always hold the key to worlds I’d never before imagined, even worlds within myself that I’d never dared to consider!

What about you? What are you reading this summer?

**There are affiliate links for these books embedded in my post. Any earnings from these links simply continue to fund my reading habits!**

When there are no words

I am a writer. Perhaps not a well-known writer or a highly paid one, but still a writer. I love to write, coming up with endless reasons to put pen to paper, from lists to greeting cards to journals. The stacks of journals and stationary attest to this fact. Not to mention my obscure peculiarities about pens.

However, when people know you can write, they expect that you can also speak whimsically on a moment’s notice. But there is a great difference between the written word and the spoken word.

Often I find myself frustrated at my inability to get the words from my head to my lips. I want to speak them out. I do. But my heart is too full to speak. So I don’t.

I didn’t realize it was much of an issue until I wanted to pray. Those moments when I just am too overwhelmed to speak. Be it joyful or sad, the words don’t come easily.

Emily Freeman writes in her book of a young woman who following the death of her mother couldn’t access the emotion enough to bring it to the surface. And I understand. So often, we aren’t given the safety of even putting a name to the emotions within us, so that when the time comes to actually express them, we cannot.

Today, I was reminded of this struggle when I opened my journal to record recent events and realized that although I had much to write last Saturday, I only got two sentences out. And I laughed at how often I long to communicate and simply cannot.

I’m no better at the deep communication than my four-year-old. I stumble around and change the subject and cry rather than actually explain myself. Perhaps I have not yet learned to give those emotions a name, but what I can do, is teach my children along side myself.

Together we can put names to feelings and emotions. Together we can learn to take responsibility for how we respond to those emotions and choose to respond wisely. And be gracious with ourselves and others. Emotions are powerful – so powerful that they often take our words away.

I struggle often with my words, but there is comfort in knowing that God is willing to wait patiently for me to get them out. And while I have often stuffed down my emotions so as to avoid dealing with them, He still waits for me to be in the right place. And little by little, I get the courage to put words to the thoughts and emotions within.

Hopefully, I’ll finish writing about the trampoline park soon. I have the words for that, I only lack the time. But with those blank lines open before me, I hope that in time, I’ll learn to not shy away when the words are not there. And while I learn, I’ll be ever so grateful for a loving God who can translate tears and mutterings into something that makes a connection from my heart to His, even when there are not words.